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The waiting game…

So this is kind of an update as to where I’m currently at in my journey to hopefully better health, not only physically but mentally. If I’ve learnt anything the past year its that your mental health is just as important as your physical. The best way I’ve seen this put across is “you wouldn’t let your battery drain, so why let yourself run on empty”. It’s so easy to push ourselves too far when we know we have so much to do and we stack it up on top of ourselves bearing the weight thinking that’s how its got to got to be. It’s harder still when you feel that people are relying on you for whatever reason.

Don’t get me wrong, this is me all over, I will break myself pushing myself past my limit and its cost me on more than one occasion. It’s got to be about 5 years ago now but I was having twinging in my back and I was in agony but took the painkillers, was sure it would sort itself out (I hate bothering the doctors it makes me so awkward), anyway a week on I got really fed up with myself and thought fuck this (yeah I know now wrong reaction), made myself push my back to stand up straight and collapsed in agony. I couldn’t move, couldn’t get up, I lay on the floor for 3 hours for an ambulance. What did I do?, I slipped two discs in my back, had sciatica on top of that and well yeah. I learnt my lesson (to a degree) I feel a twinge in back now, whatever I’m doing and I stop… I never want to do that again from not listening to my body. I still push the limit some days but never to that point again.

The same can be said that we do it to ourselves mentally too though, through social ideals or our own ideas, although people are more aware of the importance of mental health these days, making the right decision for your own mental health can be just as hard. There is still a lot of stigma around mental health even with more awareness. For myself my anxiety is okay some days or if I start myself off about a dozen things I need to do and how I’m going to get them done then I can make it a whole lot worse. Add phone calls, socializing, appointments and trying to remember things in to the mix and we have the perfect mix for exhausting myself. Sometimes you can be your own worse enemy and I know I am but it’s not a switch you can turn off.

The folic acid so far it making very little difference, I’m still shattered basically all the time and need a nap half way through the day if I can although this is just not possible most the time. I have only been on it about a week though and since I’m on it for the next three months I’ll have to give it more of a chance. Spoke to the Dr on Monday (So glad he phoned on time, I worked myself in to a right frenzy again and babbled), he’s not worried too much about the bloods, it’s not that abnormal, spoke again about the reason I rung in the first place and now I’m been referred on, its making me all kind of nervous not knowing what to expect next and Cezz is the ambassador of calm while my thoughts are running a million miles an hour. Do you ever feel like the answer is right in front of you, your reaching out with both hands and this is it, this will explain so much and you can hardly breath but at the same time what if that all gets crushed into oblivion? what if you are wrong?

Yeah deep thoughts…

Rogue

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