Many moons ago, quite literally before I started working in a well known retail store that we shall call “Saad” because that is how I felt there for the last two years out of the four I worked there. I use to make & sell jewellery, it was the perfect thing to do while the youngest two kids were in school and when my little boy was growing. More importantly I loved it, when I was in my zone creating, nothing felt better that making something. Making things with such concentration seemed to calm my mind in a way nothing else did, hushed the negative thoughts I had and made my anxiety a little easier.
I can’t tell you the exact time but I felt it was time to go back to work, make myself some social circles, work while the kids were in school and still be able to do my mum duties as it would be a part-time job. There were particular hints that it was time for me to do this but I will not name names (Not Cezz he’s a good egg). The only time I wasn’t working was when we had our son and that was because at the time it was the right decision for me to look after the kids. I also started a University degree in Psychology and counselling too the year before so as you can tell I tend to do too much or at least that’s what I’ve been told…
Now if your here and reading this then you probably know me to some degree which means you know I’m not very good at the whole social thingy, yeah I know shocker there. There was many people in my work that I loved working with, they put a smile on my face, we laughed and complained all together and basically made the job more bearable. I may not have made friends that I’ll go out with (post-pandemic) as I am not good at making friends but there was some pretty awesome people there and I’ll leave it at that. Unfortuetly I found the job getting harder in so many ways, I’m not going into detail about it because that’s on another post but my mental health went to a very dangerous low that I never want to experience again. It’s funny how I was told so many times “wow your always smiling” and I guess that really shows that you don’t know what is going on with someone.
Think we will need to skip ahead because even though I could give you the long or short story, I’ve closed that chapter of my life and I’m going to just move swiftly on. Now although I felt relieved and a weight lifted from my shoulders, for the first month I felt guilty for leaving because I was worried about everything from money, to my husbands wellbeing, the kids (even though they said different), I felt almost selfish that I’d walked away even if everything I read in articles or was told by friends that it was the right thing to do for my wellbeing.
Don’t worry I’m getting there, it was from trying to silence my intruding thoughts and to get myself out of this spiral of meh that I pushed myself into doing things I use to do that made me feel happy and relaxed. It sounds silly to say it or write it in this case but as a mother, wife, daughter, shop worker, uni student and all the other labels associated we me as a person, I’d sometimes be so busy doing everything else that there was never anytime to just be or read a book or paint… you get the picture right. With my mental health so low I couldn’t be bothered to watch a program, read a book, doodle, paint, nothing had any appeal and felt like too much work. So I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by making myself do they things I knew made me happy (how evil am I right?). Anyway it started with reading a chapter of a book before I went to sleep or starting to do diamond art just by chance as my daughter had one she didn’t want and it quite literally little things like that building up to the point I was doing (be it small) but things for me.
Which brings me to where I am now and yes I never actually intend for my stories to be this long but this is what happens when you write exactly what your things as your thinking it. I randomly was watching some resin art videos with my kids on YouTube and thought that looks fun I could do that. It was not long after that me and Cezz had a conversation about me doing something for me be it either going back to streaming ( I will get there I promise) or something creative like I use to do and if it makes money awesome but it doesn’t have to be alot as long as I do something that was for me (Yep that’s one of the many reasons I love him even if he is a pain).
So you can practically guess what happens next right, I order resin, moulds and a few other bits which would be deemed essential with my last ever pay and Cezz is like what have you done now, couldn’t we have talked about this first. Got to love him, I act first and then thinks whoops….
The feeling of making again, getting lost in the process and letting my brain be so busy concentrating that it can’t overthink is freeing in a way I haven’t felt for years. I’ve now made so many things, bookmarks, dice, bowls, dishes, shelf and I have so many ideas for new things and to top it off I had my first sale which means I’m doing something right and heading in the right direction. It feels so good to actually be happy and proud of myself for what I’ve done. It’s okay to do things for you and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to do things for yourself, there’s a difference between selfish and living your life. I still feel guilty if I want to chill or I don’t want to play a game but have come to realise I will never stop feeling that way because I will always put the people I love first, family and friends are everything. I just have to make sure that I allocate myself some time and love too.
ForestMoonTrinkets is my dream that I really want to make work. Its not the answer to all my problems but after years of feeling not enough, underappreciated and useless I finally feel like I’m stepping out into the rain and thunderstorm and saying “come on then, I dare you”.