Need to get this out…

Is this going to be a very interesting post, no not really but I feel the need to get this emotion out and this is pretty much the only place I can think to do it.

Basically in simple terms I finally plucked up the courage to ring my doctors over something that is constantly on my mind, something i believe could answer the question why I am like I am and the more I read on the topic, the more I feel these articles are describing me.

I’m not going to put it out there until I get to a point I feel I can but either way ringing the doctors was so hard, I’ve talked myself out of it everyday the last two weeks because I feel I will be laughed at, not taken seriously, been stupid and if you have anxiety you know how hard it can be just to pick up the damn phone to begin with right? let alone waiting for someone to judge you on the other end of it.

Anyway our doctors now has the policy to ring in at 8:30 and you will get a call back in order of urgency they are also called emergency appointments you can’t book in advance, it use to be a morning and afternoon session but that’s changed since we last needed to ring. So I finally pick up the phone and ring and speak to the receptionist. Politely say what I can while tripping over my words and she says you’ll have to call up at 8:30am, me: even though its not an emergency appointment and I don’t want to take that space from someone who could need it more than me, Receptionist: Yes.

I kind of get it but I also feel like I’ve failed, why couldn’t I ring up and not give a fuck about others, because its not me, because I’m happy to make sure others are fine but I’ll just kind of live here in limbo until my brain feels like it wants to make that call again.

I feel deflated, defeated and unmotivated. Rant over