Don’t worry this isn’t going to be a sit down and get comfy really long story, mainly I don’t think anything that interesting happened in the last four years worth noting and secondly as a mother and the scatter brain I have, I don’t remember much past a week ago anyway.
Mostly the last 4 years have been spent as wife, mother, retail worker and Uni student so there hasn’t been much time for anything else. Up to three years ago I was pretty happy with the how everything was going, I had the part -time job, I was around for the kids and although I didn’t see a lot of my husband (CezzBB) as he works his butt off whatever job he’s in, all was pretty good.
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact time that the world started going sidewards but I guess it was numerous things that overtime built up especially with my wonderful overthinking mind. Work got more difficult due to limited staff, problems with current staff and I found myself stressed over a job that I use to love but got to a point I dreaded going into. I even saw a therapist over this but although I tried the methods It didn’t fix the problems. Around this time my husband was away a lot flying and sometimes spending up to a week away which for many wouldn’t matter much but I genuinely struggled with this as he is quite literally my rock and sometimes the only thing holding me together. On top of “normal life”, the above, our kids and uni I felt like a sinking ship.
All this was before the pandemic hit and when it hit things got even more difficult, I’ve struggled with anxiety all my life but only in recent years (the start of the job problems) was it something that I felt I needed to address realistically. During the start of the pandemic last year I was off for 12 weeks through my employer when they sorted out making our working environment safer and in the simplest way I can put it…. I felt like I could breathe again.
I spent the next 12 weeks growing as a twitch streamer, reconnecting with old friends, having great fun with the kids and I felt more like me that I had in years. I was less snappy, I was sleeping better and I felt ALIVE!
Unfortunately it was time to go back and even though I was dreading it I thought there’s no way its going to be that bad, not that things had dramatically changed but maybe it wouldn’t get to me as much. To say the least I was wrong and I found things grated on me even more. Nothing had changed and I ended up been off for a month due to my mental health in which I was put on more tablets to help my anxiety and also depression. Without going to deep in to the details It didn’t get better, It got worse especially now with needing time off when one of the kids needed testing or they were off school with everything covid happening. I felt like I was drowning…
It got to a point where my husband said I needed to hand my notice in for my own health and I found this hard as I had been brought up to make my own money and work hard for it, I didn’t want the family to struggle and I didn’t want the extra pressure on CezzBB but he said “We’d make it work”.
I got through the Christmas period and finally handed in my notice after putting it off week after week and felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I haven’t streamed since November because I was in such a bad place, I couldn’t and some people will know what I mean by that. I am still healing and there is no quick fix but I hope I’m getting there. I’m hoping my streaming will return but I can’t rush how I feel.
I have though got creative and started making things again which is one of the best feelings, I love making things and have decided to start selling them here on my website just look for the forestmoontrinkets section. I’m lucky to have such a great family, great friends and I hope that I am on my way to getting where I want to be.
Wow that was longer, sadder than I wanted it to be and left out so much detail but hopefully you’ll get where I’m coming from, basically take away from it that nothing is more important than your mental health and sometimes you have to remove yourself from negative situations as no-one but you can do it.
Rogue