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Health Update & Yey it’s Autumn

Seems I wasn’t exaggerating when the last title I wrote was “The Waiting Game”, it truly has seemed that way I’ve been back for numerous bloods again and again. None the wiser except now I have to have a scan on my liver as my normal liver results are fine but the extra test ordered has been a little abnormal both times. I’m not particularly good at not worrying but of course my brain is straight away thinking the worst as it always seems to do.

I have finished my 3 month dose of vitamins (Folic acid) which is one less tablet that makes me rattle lol

On top of that I am still waiting for my referral appointment and I think the “up to 10 week wait time” is in about two weeks time so I’m hoping I hear from that soon, as well as feeling nervous and apprehensive about that too. This I will explain at a later date but as it’s still in motion I’d rather keep it to myself until I’m ready. (Update: I quite literally wrote this yesterday and they rang today…wish me luck.)

Apart from the above I guess the waiting game is still pretty much a waiting game but a little update is better than none. On a happier note, its Autumn/Fall the best time of the year, crispy leaves, warm blankets, hot chocolate and curling up on the sofa to watch movies. Honestly my favourite time of the year and yes Halloween is on the way!!!!

Rogue x

Upate,Update I guess… I thought I would tag this here as I don’t want to annoy you all with updates and having these little blog updates also helps me remember what happened and when. So in short I feel like I can breathe a little easier for a while, It wasn’t worth stressing over as much as I did and I actually feel like all my feelings have been validated. I’m now in for a long wait according to the Dr but I think I’m on the right path for me. To be continued… lol

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Sneak Energy

Sneak Delivery Day !!!

I have been drinking energy drinks since my early 20’s , always trying to drink sugar free ones when possible as I didn’t want the tons of sugar unless there was a day I particularly needed the extra kick. Been a parent to three busy kids, part-time uni, part-time job and housework I always feel there is not enough hours in the day and there is always something that needs to be done.

A couple of years ago I came across Sneak and there was a few reasons it caught my attention such as a good variety of flavours, low calorie, sugar-free and cleaner than the standard energy drinks out there. It’s a powder you mix with water and there you go instant amazing energy drink to go. There are cans available but the majority of current flavours and upcoming flavours come in powder form.

It has been way too long since there has been Sneak in the house, mainly because we would forget to order on payday and then end up buying cans from the local shops for the rest of the month but this month I finally remembered. So what do we have in the picture, there is two new shakers, one monochrome for Cezz and one of the new Wavy shakers that launched Friday (‘ll have to show you my collection some time). There is a tub of Stealth which is currently been deleted here in the UK (Sad times) and Blue Raspberry Tub. The tubs hold 40 servings (1 scoop= 1 serving) , also in the picture is the sachets, these are individual servings (equivalent to 1 scoop) which can be taken on the go, when you are trying a flavour for the first time and are great for first time Sneak buyers as you can buy a few flavours in combo with a shaker for a starter deal.

Is it expensive? It works out as £2 per serving, I use to say that I didn’t understand how a full sugar energy drink use to cost 99p in most supermarkets but since I’ve been buying Sneak with the introduction of sugar tax among other things the price difference is no longer that big with most full and sugar free drinks coming in between £1.50 and £2.20. The added benefit of knowing that Sneak has been made with natural flavourings and sugar free, made up with water when you want it is a huge plus.

It is definitely worth trying and the flavours taste amazing especially purple storm which is my favourite, keep in mind if you are use to canned drinks this is not going to be fizzy for obvious reasons but you will get use to it soon enough. Also I recommend Blue raspberry so tasty. If you do fancy giving it a try here is my referral link :

I do not think you’ll be disappointed just my opinion but with how many people seem to have fallen down the Sneak rabbit hole, we can’t all be wrong right?


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The waiting game…

So this is kind of an update as to where I’m currently at in my journey to hopefully better health, not only physically but mentally. If I’ve learnt anything the past year its that your mental health is just as important as your physical. The best way I’ve seen this put across is “you wouldn’t let your battery drain, so why let yourself run on empty”. It’s so easy to push ourselves too far when we know we have so much to do and we stack it up on top of ourselves bearing the weight thinking that’s how its got to got to be. It’s harder still when you feel that people are relying on you for whatever reason.

Don’t get me wrong, this is me all over, I will break myself pushing myself past my limit and its cost me on more than one occasion. It’s got to be about 5 years ago now but I was having twinging in my back and I was in agony but took the painkillers, was sure it would sort itself out (I hate bothering the doctors it makes me so awkward), anyway a week on I got really fed up with myself and thought fuck this (yeah I know now wrong reaction), made myself push my back to stand up straight and collapsed in agony. I couldn’t move, couldn’t get up, I lay on the floor for 3 hours for an ambulance. What did I do?, I slipped two discs in my back, had sciatica on top of that and well yeah. I learnt my lesson (to a degree) I feel a twinge in back now, whatever I’m doing and I stop… I never want to do that again from not listening to my body. I still push the limit some days but never to that point again.

The same can be said that we do it to ourselves mentally too though, through social ideals or our own ideas, although people are more aware of the importance of mental health these days, making the right decision for your own mental health can be just as hard. There is still a lot of stigma around mental health even with more awareness. For myself my anxiety is okay some days or if I start myself off about a dozen things I need to do and how I’m going to get them done then I can make it a whole lot worse. Add phone calls, socializing, appointments and trying to remember things in to the mix and we have the perfect mix for exhausting myself. Sometimes you can be your own worse enemy and I know I am but it’s not a switch you can turn off.

The folic acid so far it making very little difference, I’m still shattered basically all the time and need a nap half way through the day if I can although this is just not possible most the time. I have only been on it about a week though and since I’m on it for the next three months I’ll have to give it more of a chance. Spoke to the Dr on Monday (So glad he phoned on time, I worked myself in to a right frenzy again and babbled), he’s not worried too much about the bloods, it’s not that abnormal, spoke again about the reason I rung in the first place and now I’m been referred on, its making me all kind of nervous not knowing what to expect next and Cezz is the ambassador of calm while my thoughts are running a million miles an hour. Do you ever feel like the answer is right in front of you, your reaching out with both hands and this is it, this will explain so much and you can hardly breath but at the same time what if that all gets crushed into oblivion? what if you are wrong?

Yeah deep thoughts…


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Blood Results : “Normal” ?

The blood results are back, for some reason I thought they took longer but of course Cezz is on the ball and straight on the phone in the middle of Asda as we search for the elusive kraken glasses, none are anywhere yet which makes me think they just haven’t had a shipment of them but anyway back to the results.

Cezz of course discusses his first, yeah crazy we are both having bloods etc for different reasons but that’s his story to tell and I’m kind of documenting mine in a way to get the emotions out, know where I am with everything and for anyone feeling vaguely curious lol. Cezz needs more bloods done so needs to pick up a form and then its my turn, my bloods have come back “normal” but I also have a prescription for folic acid. Now at this point my mind is thinking two things:

  1. How can they be normal but also need a top-up of folic acid (yeah I know the within range thing but at the time I was huh)
  2. Folic Acid? seriously isn’t that for pregnant people, I am not pregnant why do I need that. You will need to speak to the Dr when he’s back in Mon/Tues.

So at this point I am thinking “oh great an entire week for my brain to think WTF before I get answers”. Of course this leads to be googling a bunch of stuff about bloods and folic acid and can see it can be given for folic deficiency anaemia. Could explain the tiredness but there is a bunch load of other stuff I’m not quite ready to get into yet. I was anaemic when I was pregnant with one of the kids (no I can’t remember which one) but as I said there is more but this does rule out the possibility of a thyroid problem I think which is what the Dr wanted to do. 1 tablet a day for 3 months, this should be fun. I might even rattle at this point.

Fast forward to today where Cezz takes me to pick up my prescription, offers to go in and thank fuck he did because I would have been completely lost. So both me and Cezz have to have more bloods done again for the exact same thing in 4-6 weeks time which is crazy considering we are both there for different reasons. Anyway Cezz comes to the rescue again, he manages to sort out the Dr ringing me instead of me trying to ring at 8:30am, which saves me the 60 plus calls of trying to get through which just makes my anxiety build and build. The downside is waiting around for this call will have me on pins, I won’t be able to focus on anything until that call has happened just in case I miss it for whatever reason lol

So yeah thats where we are at the moment, more bloods needed, nothing really answered but things are moving along slowly. Also had my letter for my second covid Jab but can’t get there as Cezz is working so will have to re-arrange. Fun, games and bloody more phone calls to be made.

Rogue x

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Game Talk: Starting…

Okay so I named this game talk because to me this is one of many things this seems to apply to but is the most prominent for me. It can happen to just about anything so follow along and it may apply to you too.

You might think what the hell is she prattling on about (I think this quite often and I am me) but does anyone else buy games because you’ve wanted to play it for ages either in a sale or finally got the money for it or a multitude of reasons but never actually get around to playing it?. I don’t mean as in you don’t actually have time which can happen I mean more like you hover over it and decide nah don’t feel like that one today or I don’t want to play that for x and y reason. As I said this doesn’t apply to just games but for me this is definitely noticeable.

I have at least 4/5 games I’ve bought and never played, a whole library of games that are half played that I’ve either played and got bored of or switched to another game but I also have other games that I love so much that I replay over and over again without issue. I have the likes of 7 days to die which I bought at least 6 months ago that I haven’t even opened, Final fantasy X which I know I love but still not opened on game pass. Does anyone else do this?

I will start at some point maybe…

I can quite happily sit there on Fortnite for hours because its mind numbing and chill and I just don’t get it but because its almost playing on auto pilot it takes very little effort. No really great when you want to do something different but you just can’t. I feel like I can hear a million voices at this stage shouting well just do it, its pretty simple but it’s really not. I my brain says no then its just not going to happen. I can’t make myself just do it.

I love this series, so easy to watch over and over again

Unfortuetly it doesn’t stop there, this wonky brain logic of mine applies to tv shows and film, I can watch a tv series I like over and over quite happily. I don’t like starting a new series, its kind of like climbing over a hurdle or the equivalent of running smack into wall for me, it drives Cezz up the wall. Don’t even get me started if something happens to a character I like when I’ve emotional invested in them, this will go one of two ways, I either never watch the series again or I can only re-watch up to the point that I designate as safe/happy. As I write this down I realise quite how nuts this sounds but this is me.

Quite possibly the same reason I like the romantic films on movie 24, just a thought but its always the same as in know the basic plot. They meet, all goes well, something screws it up and then it ends on a high note so either way you know the result is going to be good. I’m sorry to say for me its books too for example I love the Study trilogy series by Maria V Snyder but after I’d read them I found out she had wrote more, the problem? considering this should be amazing news, the happy ending has already happened, the story ended. I have tried so hard to read the next couple of books but just get bored and totally unmotivated to read them.

Again I realise this stuff is totally random and mostly rambling but hey that’s the title of my page after all. I cant be the only one that does this right?


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Be Kind … Seems like a Joke to some people

Frankness and brutal honesty, there is alot of people out there who couldn’t give a fuck about the impact they have on other people with the words they say.

Its funny how the world works, people can mourn the loss of celebrities but are lost to the people that struggle day to day. The world campaigned to “be kind” but as time has gone on… its already been forgotten. In a pandemic that made many think of others, there was also the people that made it so much harder that only thought of themselves.

This is not the easiest for me to say but I have never been the best at prioritising what thing to do first and usually start about 10 jobs at once when I have the energy. I’ve always felt lazy for not been able to do as much as everyone else that seems to have their shit together. Especially when the likes of social media has people showing how amazing their lives are. I get overwhelmed so easily by too much noise that I can’t think straight and a headache is always on the cards when this happens.

I struggle to get everthing done, been an adult is bloody hard and not enough people say it. I forget things constantly, I am probably the furthest from organised as possible, but I try. There are days were a feel like super woman and there are days were I want to hide under the duvet. I have struggled with anxiety all my life and for the last three years have had to have medication for it, for the last year I have also been on antidepressants due to the impact of the pandemic, my old job and day to day life.My mental health has been in tatters and I’m not the only one.

What has gotten me to this conversation, well a little thing called neighbours. As I said above I struggle and when you have a part-time job, part-time uni, a house and three kids to look after life isn’t exactly easy. A husband that works 13hrs a day to provide for his family and has very little free time. There is a wild garden that needs my attention, a front yard that needs weeding and yes our house looks lived in and sometimes chaotic. But you know what our kids are happy, amazing and grateful aswell as sometimes little shits because we’re not delusional.

The reason I say this is because our neighbour decided to say he thinks we’re messy, all he’s seen is the wild garden so I’m guessing he’s got something stuck up his ass about that but what upsets me is that he’s clearly said this in front of his daughter and she felt it was fine to say it too… great teaching there mate.

We’ve lived here 12 years and they’ve been here a year maybe 2. We don’t have the money to splash around doing our garden up, good for them they do but learn some manners. Learn to be kind and learn that people are going through things you know nothing about. I felt deeply sad when I heard this and now I’m angry that someone can be so thoughtless. Its probably going to replay at least a couple 100 times for me but obviously they would know nothing about that.

I hope my next post is a little happier, sorry guys 💜


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The journey to find answers

Okay guys, this time this is not a rant, is it because I finally got through to the doctors.. also no but Cezz did. He was so tired of the extra stress it was causing me to try and get through to the doctors every morning that he did it for me when I was getting the kids ready. What would I do without him.

The phone call was way earlier than expected (quite literally on the school run), I felt completely unprepared because my notepad of scribbles was at home but he listened. That is so rare to find in a Doctor, they listen to a degree but not really listen to everything as a whole. He took notes of what I said and I am now having a work up of bloods in which he said he wanted to do that first as the symptoms can relate to a few things, the bloods can rule some things out and he’s been had before when he hasn’t done the blood work first.

This is totally the beginning and I may find that what I think it is, it isn’t but its about getting me in the right direction, not struggling daily and putting myself last anymore. Although the kids and Cezz will always be my priority, I’m making sure from now on I’m at least on the list lol.

Fingers crossed, answers to come.


Update: Since I never uploaded this because other shit happened and I ended up ranting instead, this is almost one week on and bloods have just been done today. The craziness of trying to get bloods done just wow. 3 vials of Rogue blood later and I treated myself to a cookie…. this is why I will never be thin lol. Lets hope I get to talk to the same doc, he said to ask for him so I’ll take that as a good sign as someone who wants to help me find a solution.

To be Continued…

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Update: More Venting

No this doesn’t need to be read by anyone but I need to vent my frustration as I’m overwhelmed and don’t know really what to do.

So following on from the annoyance of trying to talk to or see a GP. I have been ringing at various times all morning from 9 because at 8:30 I’m on the school run and is now 10.55 and they are still engaged.

I went as far as signing up to simpleplan which has 24/7 GP appointments, I had this with my old job never used it and typically saw the benefit later. Got it through today that’s its all set go ahead, I thought yes maybe this is the answer. oh no is not that simple, asks me to fill in my medical profile and the kids. Mine no issues, if I tap the kids then it errors and says try again later. Can’t progress until the profiles are filled in.

I’m not done, I then join a live chat to solve this issue so i can hopefully get an appointment, so I talk to a bot to then be put through to an advisor, well suppose to be, I sat there for 10 mins with nothing happening and gave up… I know I should have probably waited but at this point I’ve had enough.

Why is it so hard to get help, I quite literally want to crawl under the duvet and stay there until I feel like I want to come out. Nothing is ever easy and that may be dramatic but trying to ring up and feel like your going to be rejected is enough of a problem without everything else.

I apologise again for the rant but I just need to get it out and since Cezz is working this is the best I can do.

Wish me luck😥

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Need to get this out…

Is this going to be a very interesting post, no not really but I feel the need to get this emotion out and this is pretty much the only place I can think to do it.

Basically in simple terms I finally plucked up the courage to ring my doctors over something that is constantly on my mind, something i believe could answer the question why I am like I am and the more I read on the topic, the more I feel these articles are describing me.

I’m not going to put it out there until I get to a point I feel I can but either way ringing the doctors was so hard, I’ve talked myself out of it everyday the last two weeks because I feel I will be laughed at, not taken seriously, been stupid and if you have anxiety you know how hard it can be just to pick up the damn phone to begin with right? let alone waiting for someone to judge you on the other end of it.

Anyway our doctors now has the policy to ring in at 8:30 and you will get a call back in order of urgency they are also called emergency appointments you can’t book in advance, it use to be a morning and afternoon session but that’s changed since we last needed to ring. So I finally pick up the phone and ring and speak to the receptionist. Politely say what I can while tripping over my words and she says you’ll have to call up at 8:30am, me: even though its not an emergency appointment and I don’t want to take that space from someone who could need it more than me, Receptionist: Yes.

I kind of get it but I also feel like I’ve failed, why couldn’t I ring up and not give a fuck about others, because its not me, because I’m happy to make sure others are fine but I’ll just kind of live here in limbo until my brain feels like it wants to make that call again.

I feel deflated, defeated and unmotivated. Rant over

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Not everyday is sunshine & rainbows

That title isn’t as gloomy as it sounds, its just a case of saying things aren’t always “sunshine & rainbows” and that’s kind of how I’m trying to look at things these days. It sounds a little silly so bare with me, for as long as I can remember my brain can focus mainly on one thing that has happened in a week (not an exact science okay) and it will determine how I consider that week has gone. More likely than not that focus will be the one bad thing because again that is how my brain seems to think. Now don’t read that wrong, it isn’t that my brain was looking at the worst case scenario, all doom and gloom so to speak, it’s that my focus was on the thing I was overthinking about. The anxiety I feel about most situations is hard to explain but I second and triple guess any comment or conversation I’ve had and literally dissect it. What could I have said differently, what I should I have said, what was thought about what I said, I shouldn’t have gone or said anything. Its like been constantly judged by yourself and constantly losing the argument.

I realise to some that sounds kind of crazy but to many or at least me that is what day to day life is like. Even something as simple as talking on my husbands stream these days fills me with dread and I end up been quiet not because I don’t want to chill with friends but because I wonder if I say something wrong or stupid that I will fuck up the friendships I’ve made indirectly. I have had very little luck with close friendships and I will leave it at that. Not everyday is bad which goes with the title its kind of a role of the dice kind of thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot more recently of trying to be positive and this came from sessions I had while trying to cope with the bad shit the last two years. Small things such as catching a wayward thought before it spirals, trying to think how much sense my thoughts are about said subject and it doesn’t always work but I try. I’ve started telling Cezz exactly how I feel about situations or what I’m thinking which I know probably makes very little sense to him but he tries to understand (really lucky there). I also tell Cezz to tell me things he wants me to do such as put the bins out for example or tell me directly and exactly what he means because I’m not psychic and it frustrates me when he gets irritated if I haven’t “worked out” out what he means (this is why I love those direct people, to the point is awesome, I know exactly where I stand). In that respect he probably understands me a little better and our communication has improved, also poor him for trying to work out how my mind is concocting irrational thoughts this time.

Positive thinking has never been my strong point so while my first month after finishing work was feeling guilty and all round shit for giving up a job in favour of my mental health. The next month brought the moving your ass and working on getting into a better state of mind. Everyday comes with its ups and downs like this week for instance has been pretty good but trying to establish a presence with my new crafting endure is sometimes difficult as I struggle with the social aspect (social anxiety is a bitch) among other glorious thoughts. Towards the end of the week now I’m feeling tired, struggling with social anything and all around I want to hide under a duvet for the next 3 days but that’s not an option unfortuetly.

With mental health been so important and the most important thing to me is my kids, I want to help my kids wellbeing by helping them try to see the good than happens everyday. I walk my kids back and fore to school everyday, its about a 10 minute walk and our way home is when we talk about the school day just like we always did pre-pandemic. Now something I actively do is listen to how their day went and then we talk about all the good things that happened such as playing football with friends, going up a level in reading and anything else they see as a positive thing that happened. Sounds simple but flipping the conversation round to the positive when you sympathise with how that felt is hard so we now recognise that its sad and then talk about “but this was good”. Not that easy I promise you but we tend to get out the general grumps of the day before we get home.

Have you every heard the quote “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”, I feel this to my very core and it may be something that is plastered over posters, mugs, memes and everything else but it’s 110% true because if you’re waiting for just the good and base every decision on “what ifs” then you could be missing out.

Rogue x